I Walk Alone

So i'm drawing a blank.

This year has been filled with ups...and downs. Highs, lows, blah blah blah and blah!!

I moved out of my grandparents. In turn my hours at my job dropped to 20 hours a week.
Started working at a crap job at JC Penneys. Then I got my hours back at the bank, and dumped the crap job.
Finally....FINALLY got my DL. And....then I got into an accident a month later.
Eventually that all blew over. The last few months i've been waiting for my manager to set me up as a banker, and i'm still waiting.
I've been with a pretty good amount of women, yet the ones I liked would be the ones I can't have.

Overall what i've learned is.....nothing.

Oh!! I did grow my chin hair a little longer. So I can make it into a tail or something...it's fun at work.

But I would like to say that there is hope. Hope that this is the beginning of what i've been waiting for. The kick in the ass of something unbelievable. I'm 23, and i'm one day closer to 24...in following I would be one year closer to 25. What will I have accomplished by then? Well, I have a list!

1) Still be alive.
2) To finally have a car...to drive safely.
3) Perhaps find my way back into school. To actually learn something useful for myself.
4) Maybe have a relationship. Not a fling. Not a one nighter. Something meaningful. Something that I think i'm owed after years of keeping to myself, and not doing a great job at trying.
5) Hopefully to have a better position at my job.
6) To move out again, but this time to live on my own. Or atleast with someone that is cleanlier.
7) Also, to be in much better physical shape. For the sake of my health.

That's a brief goal list, but hey....I gotta keep it simple, right??

For the 2 people that actually read this, I want you to know that by the time I reach closer to my adulthoods prime, I will mean something more to myself. Which is all I have ever cared about, which is myself, and I know that I matter more to me. So anything negative or positive I do has always affected me. So if this hurts or pleases anyone, its gonna be me that feels it.

I'm not a man of God, nor a man of the people, just a man of himself.

Myopic-My New Favorite Word

Yesterday, today, everyday has been just a living Hell for myself. I can't tolerate my living situation. I don't enjoy my job as much as I used to. My friends(most of them) are just shells of what they used to be or mutated versions of something worse then what they are. I hate to sound like a broken record, but it just befuddles me how much 'wrong' I see in the world now. All of the negatives, none of the positives. And I have the perfect word to define my Hell...MYOPIC.

my⋅op⋅ic 

–adjective

1.
Ophthalmology. pertaining to or having myopia; nearsighted.
2.
unable or unwilling to act prudently; shortsighted.
3.
lacking tolerance or understanding; narrow-minded.

Everyone, and everything has been myopic. Am I next??

FML, my favorite abbreviation for a 3 worded quote

Where do I even begin?

4 years ago I had the world in front of me. I was dangling it in front of my family and friends like it was the greatest toy in the world. But I took it for granted. Which is everyones story, I don't want to exclude anyone in the universe because I know we all share the same issues. But over time the world became smaller, and smaller for me to play with. I've made some decisions that I wish I could have judged better on. I've acted in ways I wish I could have had a better character for. Now I live on my emotions and unhealthy memories of the past that I wish I could re-do. I don't want to discount my privileges, for they are still better than what could have been a more negative situation that could have been offered.

For the few that read this, just know that I don't fight for what I want anymore like I used to. I haven't in a very long time. If there's anything that I would kill for right now in my life, it would be for MOTIVATION. As much as I desire it, I don't have that certain drive to just DO things.

When did my motivation leave?

My Catch-22

I'm 22, and I wonder every other 20 seconds how far I will have to go to get what I want? But the real problem is that I keep changing what I want. So as of right now, I don't like to go very far. Do I want certain things? Yes. No doubt about it, there just isn't anything out there worth sacrificing for. I don't like the term 'sacrifice'. Doing things like that won't make me a better person until I finally hit that wall of euphony. Until I realize what it is that I really want. Until then, I guess i'm human.

KB Toys R.I.P.

Since 2002, this was the only job I depended on as my life support. So many stories, so many people I've met, and so many experiences that I will never EVER forget. There will never be any job, or place like my KB Toys ever again. There will always be a Juan, a K1, a Lawrence, an Eileen, and even a WhiteDust. But not in one place.

KB Toys, 86 years of business. R.I.P.

Let me be your Anti-hero

When people meet me, they know they've just met someone really special. I know it when I present myself out there for someone to just try to figure out. I like to play stupid and asssume that I don't know how different I am. But I suppose I just need to get over it and just be real about how great I can be. How out there I choose to be. More importantly, how much I mean as a character to someone. Maybe to someone like you!

As most know, I don't believe in a lot of things, yet I have beliefs and standards I try to follow everyday. When I don't follow up on something, my close friends ask me why I didn't. My only answer to them is, "You wouldn't understand".

In someway, I have impacted some of you. Whether it be by meeting me once, or by seeing my rarely, or by seeing me a little too much. Whatever. There's just something about me you may not agree with either, but you just can't help but adore my character, and just think how outlandish I can be, how dumb, how lame, how childish, or even immature. But just think of how I can move you in some small way. Just think of how I don't think I'm wrong...most of the time (I'm allowed to think of my pros and cons).

To sum up my jibber-jabber, like Batman in TDK, I'm not a hero. I'm not some watchful protector, or a silent guardian, I'm something pretty basic that we all are on the inside. I'm your Anti-hero. I do things that aren't normal, I think things that aren't normal. I'm on the right side, but I hate the right side. But know I'm always on your side.

Me, your anti-hero.

This place I call my home, I cannot stay.

I went to go see "The Wrestler" last night starring Mickey Rourke, and thought it was one of the most real movies I've ever seen in my life. It was an accurate portrayal of how independent wrestling is, and how a past star has to cope with how his life outside his profession is completely different than the life he's suppose to be living; especially after years of doing what he's used to. Mickey Rourke did such a great performance, and I don't know if he could top such a role like this again. So if you are going to go see a movie anytime soon, please, go see "The Wrestler", and try not to judge, but feel it.

And by the way, my life has just made a major turn. Not a turn for the worst, but a turn for the better. In 2 weeks I will be moving out on my own, living 'the real life'. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I will say this, i'm going to be in a better place, and I will be living a more fulfilling life.

The Bad Guys have so much FUN.

You ever wonder why you're so attracted to the villains in all of your favorite films and books?? I know why I am!

For starters, they know exactly what they want. They know what they want to do. No matter what, they believe that they're right....all the time!! Throughout most of the story, they usually prove their point.

Sure they might lose in the end to the heroes we also love, but in the end you're just so alluded to that villain who stopped at nothing, even to their very demise, to do what they want! And even though our heroes have done what we probably would have done because it was the right thing to do, we just can't help but dwell into our dark side a little and appreciate the villain who tries.

And plus, the bad guys always have the most fun irritating the hero!! And that's what counts most, fun!